Bb                            F 
My people rang me up a couple of weeks ago 
               Bb                         F                       C 
Yeah, I?ve got people; and a phone; and a grasp on the passage of time 
          Bb                C             Dm    C          Dm 
Yeah they rang me up, said ?Tim, will you go on Ruth Jones show 
     C                                 Bb          F 
They want you to sing a song, it?ll be fine, fine, fine? 
        Bb                            F 
But the problem with my particular ?uvre, 
        Bb                                   F 
Is that half my songs are five minutes and over. 
        C 
And the wisdom here at the BBC, 
        C 
Is that viewers switch off if you go past three, 
      Bb                                F 
And a lot of my songs have a bit of bad language, 
      Bb                        F 
Which causes the viewers untold anguish, 
               C                           Dm 
It seems their tolerance for smuttiness is reserved, 
    Bb             C             F 
For pussy puns on ?Are You Being Served??. 

         F 
And so I need a song that only goes for three minutes, 
    C 
Without no bums or blasphemy in it, 
  Dm                                              Bb               C            F 
A lovely little song specifically written for the delicate skin of middle-class Britain. 
  F 
I need a song with a chorus and a verse, 
     C 
With no nasty-ass cussin? and a-cursin?, 
          Dm 
And I?m a little too lewd and a little too long, 
           Bb            C            F 
I?ve gotta find myself a three-minute song. 

                Bb                              F 
And they said, ?Remember boy that music is like love-making 
                   C                             Dm 
it?s simply self-indulgent to take it past three minutes. 
   Bb                           F 
Remember boy that music is like love-making, 
                  C 
Everybody loves a pianist, but length must have a limit? 
       F              
So you need a song that only goes for three minutes, 
    C 
Without no pornography or politics in it, 
         Dm 
You?re a little verbose and a little bit wrong, 
             Bb                            C            F 
You?ve gotta find yourself a clean, limit, three-minute song?. 

F 
Three-hundred beats at a hundred beats-per-minute, 
     C 
With nice clean jokes and a hoedown in it, 
Dm 
Something for the telly that never, ever fails, 
   Bb                     C   F 
To appease the viewers of BBC Wales. 

                Dm                Bb        F 
And even in the bridge I won?t be lyrically adventurous, 
     Bb          F               C 
intellectually unmention-ous, or racially contentious, 
      Dm                                 Bb             F 
And I won?t make double entendres at the expense of the Chinese, 
    C                           C7 
For China is a country that can bring me to my knees. 
Bb                    F 
For China, For China, Vagina, Vagina, 
  C                           C7 
Vagina is a cunt-ry that will bring us to our knees. 
N.C. 
Ooh, Mr. Humphries, my pussy is all wet! (Fake laugh) Two? Three? Fore-skin 

  F 
I need a little happy-clappy country song, 
C 
Nice and repetitive and not too long, 
Dm 
Boring enough, but not too boring, 
       Bb                 C          D 
With a key change here to prevent me snoring. 
  G 
I need a song that is only three minutes, 
   D 
Without no buggery or blasphemy in it, 
Em 
Something with a pleasing rhyme and rhythm, 
      C                          D 
Well, if you can?t beat ?em, get conservative with ?em. 

Instrumental break: 
G - D - Em - C D 

         G 
Oh-oh, I need a song that causes no offense, 
   D 
To flog more tickets to my concerts, 
       Em 
By convincing the viewer that musical satire, 
C                        
Hasn't progressed since Victor Borge, 
Em                     C 
You've got a telly and I want to be in it, 
      D                                    G 
But apparently you?ll only watch for three minutes. 
      C                      D               G 
Yeah, apparently you?ll only watch for three?