Refer to a live performance for more accurate chord changes and strumming patterns :) 


verse 1 
G 
There ain't nothing more depressing than a pine tree. 

G 
Gussied up with candy canes and balls 

G 
Those carolers have kept me up for hours 

G 
It's "merry Christmas!" seeping through my walls 

G 
Now I'm no Wiccan commie or nothin' 

G 
But there is one damn holiday I can't stand 

G 
It ain't Halloween, Thanksgiving, or even April Fools 

G 
But it'll surely make a fool out of every man. 



Chorus 1 
G 
If I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas 

C                                    G 
You know where to stick those jingle bells 

D                            C 
If I ain't hammered it ain't Hanukkah 

G 
And all you motherfuckers go to hell 

C                                G 
If I ain't kokeyed then it ain't Kwanzaa  

C                          G 
Joy to the world, Jack and Cokes 

C                                      D 
If I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas 

C                                G 
Cause I ain't never anything but broke 



verse 2 
G 
Now every year the malls are just a madhouse  

G 
Full of empty pockets, thoughts and smiles  

G 
Just the smell of Eggnog makes me vomit  

G 
And those coloured lights are fucking infantile  

G 
I think we collectively as the people  

G 
Should rise against this corporate jolly noise  

G 
And tell the world:  

G 
"Let's buy some piece and quiet for a change"  

G 
Before we spend it all on fucking toys.  

HA  



Chorus 2 
G 
So if I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas  

C                                    G 
You know where to stick those jingle bells  

D                            C 
If I ain't hammered it ain't hanukkah  

C                      G 
Fa la la la la go fuck yourself!  

D                            C 
If I ain't cockeyed it ain't Kwanzaa  

C                           G 
Joy to the world of getting stoned  

C                              G 
If I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas  

C                                       G 
So leave this god damn scrooge the fuck alone.  

HA  

MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS!