G                    D                   G 
Darts in soap operas, oh so wrong, oh so wrong 
                            D                            G 
No one's scoring and there's too much chat between easch throw 
                              D                          G 
Worse than this though is when cheers are raised for the bull 
                                D 
Granted, bull's a double and an out but I know that they don't 
Am         D       Am   D    Am      D      D7 
Know their boards; I propose no soap darts. 
G                    D                       G 
Is your child hyperactive or is he perhaps a twat? 
                          D                         G 
Sometimes I like to watch wave rage down on Fistral Beach 
                        D                       G 
Last Ash Wednesday I had tantric sex and it was shit 
                          D 
Next Ash Wednesday I might strive to lick my elbow; 
Am        D     Am       D   Am     D      D7 
Strive in vain, for they say few succeed. 
G                              D 
I wrote to the Horse and Hounds to gloat over whay I'd done 
G                      D 
I stored their magazine in a data retrieval system 
G 
Well let's face it what're they going to do? 
D 
It's not as if they know where I live 
    G                      D 
And anyway I cut the caper back in 1984 
G                  D 
Heartbroken Matrons on joyless beds 
    G                D 
For those whose souls the iron has entered 
G                            D 
And if I get to Heaven's gate I'll doubtless have to wait 
G                           D 
While St. Peter investigates the inevitable asterisk 
    G                            D 
The inside of a Halex Three Star table-tennis ball 
G                        D               G 
Smells much like you'd expect it to.